Mourinho Joins Inter Milan, Crushes Foes

Nearly seven hours after being unofficially announced as the new Internazionale manager, Jose Mourinho has still not won any trophies for the storied Milan club. In interviews following the announcement of the appointment, the self-proclaimed “Special One” announced his utter disapproval toward everyone who is not himself as well as reassuring the Nerazzurri fans that trophies should be flying into the San Siro display case “at any moment” because of his mere presence.

Mr. Mourinho was also quoted in broken Italian as saying, “I love Inter — I always have — so if I don’t win everything here at Inter, that doesn’t matter because I will go to another club and make millions of Euro there and win every [trophy].”

After a dismal four-year run under previous manager Roberto Mancini, Inter Milan only managed to win three Serie A titles, the Coppa Italia twice, and the Super Coppa Italia twice. Inter Milan see itself as a sinking ship and in recent weeks Chairman Massimo Moratti has had to be content with his clubs rich winning tradition and current stock of world-class talent. Obviously, Inter are wanting to turn things around as quickly as possible and the appointment of the often snide Mourinho to the helm of the San Siro club can be seen as a clear signal to the footballing world that settling for anything less than professional arrogance in victory is not an option.

Mr. Mourinho will bring his unique style of management to the San Siro when the new season kicks off next fall, but he is expecting to win trophies and championships even before that time because he is “so amazing.” He has had previous success on the European stage with FC Porto of Portugal, winning the coveted Champions League and back-to-back English Premier League titles in his last position with Chelsea.

When pressed to elaborate on how he plans to win trophies without a squad and during the summer, when Serie A league games are not actually being held, Mourinho shrugged and pursed his lips saying, ‘I win. I win championships. That’s what I — who I am. What I am doing. What am I doing now? Right now even I am winning everything. If the referee treats Inter players like other players on the pitch, we will win. If we don’t win, it is someone else’s fault.’

Mr. Mourinho is due to be formally unveiled at a press conference to be held at 11:30 a.m. local time on Tuesday at the San Siro, on the condition that he doesn’t kill the planet first.