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Match Report: Israel 2-1 U.A.E.

(Jerusalem) Israel apparently have prayer to thank for their recent victory over the United Arab Emirates.

A thumping header in the dying seconds by Jesus of Nazareth saved Israel from an international friendly draw as they prepare for Euro 2008, UEFA’s prestigious European competition being held this summer in Austria and Switzerland.

After descending from the right hand of God, the savior to billions of Christians world wide took up the captain’s armband for Israel and nodded home the decisive goal with authority from a curling Aviram Baruchian cross.

Yossi Ben-Cohen, Israeli midfielder and outspoken Christian said through a translator, “Before the game I thanked God for my life and family and I prayed that He would be with us through this match […] that He would help us win. Thanks to Jesus eternal love, I have peace in my heart and thanks to His strength in the air, we got our goal and a win.”

Following the final whistle Jesus elaborated on His strangely intimate relationship with Ben-Cohen and His miraculous intervention in the match saying, “My eternal love is with [Ben-Cohen] and before he was made in his mother’s womb, I knew him, but I figured his passing would be better by now.” Jesus continued, “It’s atrocious, man, I mean he gives the ball away SO easily, and he’s been training for about 18 years now. I mean, I’ve watched him. Surely God’s chosen people [Israel] can find a better holding midfielder?”

The multi-sided and complex debate over Jesus’ divinity continues to overshadow the U.A.E.’s offical appeal to FIFA for Israel fielding 12 players.

Neutral fans watching the game are dubbing the Bethlehem native’s 89th minute strike as the “Hand of Allah” wonder-goal.

Match Summary: Israel 2-1 U.A.E.

Saeed Al-Kas (pen 7′)
E. Barda (57′)
J. Christ (89′)


Hilal Saeed for Ahmed Mubarek, 46′ (tactical) Omer Golan for Amit Ben Shushan, 62′ (tactical) Tal Ben Haim for Jesus Christ, 90′ (calf strain)


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