Home / Soccer Fans / Match Report: Manchester United 0 – 17 Mike Ditka


Manchester United‘s hopes for retaining the Premiership title took a serious blow this weekend with a record 17 to nil drubbing at the hands of Mike Ditka. 69,000 Mancurians looked on bewildered as their United were roundly beaten in every facet of the match by a solitary, bespectacled opponent, whose identity and prowess for many in England still remain a mystery.

United vs. Ditka - Team Photos

The gridiron legend played and coached most of his years for the NFL side, the Chicago Bears, shattering previously held records in a decorated on-field career and becoming a fan favorite of mythic proportion off of it.  In fact, it was once predicted that Mr. Ditka would beat the entire New York Giants American football team by himself, 17 to 14, via a late Ditka field goal.

Because the season got under way a little over one month ago, United supporters will argue that the three points dropped on Saturday against the amazing Ditka can be recovered over the course of the season.  But confidence in the dressing room has hit rock bottom for the Old Trafford outfit after letting in a new league record 17 goals at the now somewhat ironically named ‘Theater of Dreams.’

Never in the history of English football has one team been so handily trounced by another side, especially a side which fielded only one player.

As soon as the match official blew his whistle commencing the action the ball seemed to be drawn towards the United end and Ditka did not waste time, rocking the woodwork with a shot from 18 yards only 23 seconds into the match.  The United defense did not have time to be surprised by this shot on target because Ditka cut in behind and knocked in his own rebound from 6 yards.

Goals number two and three came just after the brightest spell of play from Sir Alex Ferguson’s team, who were apparently galvanized by the first stunner, but to no avail as the blitzkrieg on Old Trafford had just begun.  There’s no manner of legal fashion which Ditka did not employ to put the ball in the United net, mixing power with finesse and finishing prowess.  Goals eight, nine, and ten were actually scored with an unprecedented hat trick of over-head kicks.

After the eleventh goal, Ditka started to hit his stride, banging in goals from 40 yards past a hapless Edwin Van der Saar who had long finished shouting at his back four by that point.

In the 64th minute, Ditka was called offside on his own through ball, denying him goal number 15, despite the fact that being ahead of your own pass is contrary to all known laws of physics.  That proved to be only a short delay in the scoring because just two minutes later he rose above a stifled Ferdinand to head in to the top left corner.

By the time Mr. Swerski had blown for full time, there were only a few thousand fans left in the United stronghold of Old Trafford which had never seen such a blow-out defeat since it’s doors opened in 1910.

A fuming Sir Alex Ferguson refused a post-match interview with reporters and went directly into his dejected squad for what one can only imagine to be a blistering team talk.

Mr. Ditka could not be interviewed following the match because his mouth was stuffed with polish saaasages.

Manchester United: Van der Sar, Ferdinand (Captain), Vidic, Evra, Brown, Hargreaves, C. Ronaldo, Giggs, Scholes, Anderson, Rooney

Da Bears: Full-grown Ditka

Match Official: William Swerski


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