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Each week, we will explore a different player’s deepest thoughts by jumping inside their dreams. This time around, Manchester City and Dutch International defensive midfielder Nigel De Jong’s. Yes, we are going ‘Inception’ on his sorry butt. Maybe he’ll learn that’s what he gets for breaking legs and performing chest kicks that make Chuck Norris fill with jealousy. Since we are so close to De Jong, he has permitted us to call him Nigel.

(Scene opens with De Jong walking onto the Manchester City pitch. We are disguised as a reporter).

Nigel: Where is everyone?

Reporter: Fans were too afraid you may break their legs or karate kick them to death

Nigel: Now when have I ever done that?

(Reporter shows him this picture)

Nigel: Well, I mean he didn’t die. That’s what you claimed. He just had a very kickable looking chest. Come to think of it, your chest looks like it could use a foot in it’s life…

(Reporter starts running)

Reporter: Holden, Xabi Alonso, Ben Arfa, I choose you! Get ’em!

(Stuart Holden, Xabi Alonso, and Hatem Ben Arfa come sprinting into the stadium on command. They look agitated)

Holden: Alright guys, you know the plan

Ben Arfa: It’s his time to learn what it’s like to break a fibia.

Nigel: I’ll break the other one too.

Xabi Alonso: Let’s call him in. We choose you, Norris!

(Chuck Norris appears as if out of thin air, performing various spectacular roundhouse kicks. He quickly pulls out a Total Gym and Christine Brinkley out of his back pocket and begins to go through a set of exercises. Brinkley begins commentating)

Brinkley: You can now get the Total Gym, which will provide you with a full body workout for only $199, and you can look like Chuck in no time.

Chuck: Nobody can look like me, I look like all people. Did you know Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick a home run 1,000 feet?

Brinkley: It’ true…

Xabi Alonso: Focus, Chuck! Nigel is right over there, challenge him to a fight.

Nigel: What is going on?

(Chuck blindsides Nigel with a roundhouse kick from the rear, even though Chuck had just been in front of him one millisecond earlier. Nigel is vaporized instantly).

Chuck: Looks like my work here is done.

(Chuck grows a pair of eagle wings and flies away majestically, swooping up his Total Gym and Christine Brinkley in the process. On the way out, he points his finger toward the reporter, Holden, Xabi Alonso, and Ben Arfa and they disappear. Each finds themselves 1 second later sitting at home working out on a Total Gym while watching the pilot episode of Walker: Texas Ranger ).


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