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Dear Chelsea FC,

Why do you stink so bad?

Is it because you’re bitter about never having won the European cup? My team, Aston Villa has, and another English powerhouse, Nottingham Forest has too, twice.  Perhaps there’s some festering resentment there because so much Russian money has been spent on lots of individual players who seem to all fall apart when one man tweaks a thigh in training?

Though I can’t imagine this would be the case because from what I’ve heard, there’s lots of money lying around your offices there in London, as it seems you’ve got a direct pipeline of wealth siphoning down from the oil fields of inner Siberia.  Why don’t you spend some of it on players who can play together as a team?

Also, what’s the deal with the new Chelsea away shirt?  It seems like some high-visibility traffic cones have been nicked from Heathrow and made into shirts to save money.  Certainly Mr. Ambramovich could have dug into the pocket for a decent away kit?

That’s a lot of questioning for what I had hoped would be an amicable correspondence, so allow me to air some friendly and hopefully constructive criticism.

Your dudes on the field need to play better.  Chelsea’s recent performance during the Premiership match against the mighty Villa looked so stifled and boring I thought I was watching Manchester United.  I know you can’t like that comparison because they couldn’t find the goal if they all held hands across the pitch and walked toward it.

During that game, Chelsea’s midfield and defence were tormented on the breakaway by the speed of Ashley Young, Gabby Agbonlahor, and the strength and vision of Gareth Barry and Nigel Reo-Coker.  This might be something you, as a club, may want to look into, as I’m sure your players make way more money than Villa’s.

I also thought it was wierd that you let our new guy score, Zat Knight.  He’s a defender.  Ahh well, manager José Mourinho provided plenty of cover for that little slip by saying, “I think a point each should reflect what happened on the pitch, but you pay for mistakes. We made our mistake and I cannot say that Villa didn’t deserve because they didn’t make that mistake in their defence.”

What happened on the pitch, Senhor Special One, was a two nil drubbing at the hands of the Villa.

Speaking of your manager, I’ve heard the oft-cranky Mr. Mourinho make the excuse that Frank Lampard got injured just one day before the match so Chelsea had to throw the entire game plan out the window.  I didn’t expect it would be so easy for the manager of your fine club to admit that his team’s game plan is built around the countless deflected goals of his aging and always overrated midfield star.

If Chelsea didn’t score so many accidental goals in stoppage time against teams who have beaten them, I just might like your club.

But for reasons probably closely linked to my very being, I doubt that’s going to happen.  So for now, I wish Chelsea FC the highest success and fortune.  Except when facing Aston Villa.

Or any other team.  Ever.

Sincerely Yours,

T. Yonker,
Fan of the Game

P.S. – You might want to look into getting a new right-back because Juliano Belletti was so handily dismantled by Ashley Young and company I don’t think he’ll be able to go on.


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