SoccerProse.com

During a recent Under-9 soccer match at the local Parks and Recreation complex a grown adult male verbally abused the match official, according to eye-witnesses.  At 8:09 a.m. last Saturday, Ronnie Teague, the presiding referee, had just started the match between the Krazy Kickers and the Super Lizards when he heard Daniel Kelmeth arrive on the sidelines shouting bizarrely graphic threats on his life.

Flaunting all conventions of sportsmanship and sideline courtesy which normally accompany youth soccer, Mr. Kelmeth lambasted Mr. Teague with a stream of verbal attacks few at the scene could see coming. Many other soccer parents in attendance reported their dismay and confusion at the nature of Mr. Kelmeth’s tirades at the respected match official. 

“Refs are just kids doing their jobs,” a fellow spectator said, “and the kids are just want to have fun playing soccer. I guess I just don’t understand why he’s so upset, I mean my kid sucks, but he’s better than [Dan] Kelmeth’s kid.” Many other parents reported being confused by Mr. Kelmeth’s outbursts, referring to the respectful and nurturing atmosphere which always surrounds youth soccer. 

Seeming to ignore the fact that it is physically impossible for the eight-year-olds on his team to play soccer on the level of his expectations, Mr. Kelmeth refused to drop the issue, making the 14-year-old referee the target of his insults throughout the match. These odd verbal attacks became most pointed after Mr. Teague would blow his whistle for a foul. 

Mr. Teague reported feeling especially threatened when he heard Mr. Kelmeth shouting obscenities and insults which apparently included, “no-talent dummy,” “stupid-ref-who-can’t-even-drive,” and “tuna cakes.”

The young match official does not plan to take any official action against Mr. Kelmeth, citing the threats of physical violence and the “really sweet” Sony PlayStation 3 owned by Scott Kelmeth, Daniel’s 15-year-old son.

What England players will be doing during Euro 2008 this month:

1. Calling David Beckham to see if they can come crash at his pad in L.A. on holiday.

2.  Watching their WAGS spend their money.

3. Seeing if Sven Goran Eriksson can help them obtain dual citizenship to play for Mexico.

4. Finding footage from the 1966 World Cup to re-live the glory days of English football.

5. Cursing Croatia.

6. Consoling John Terry.

7. Helping Fabio Capello learn English.

8. Preparing to crash out of 2010 World Cup qualifying.

9. Convincing themselves that they are still an international superpower.

10. Watching the tournament from their homes-just like you!

Nearly seven hours after being unofficially announced as the new Internazionale manager, Jose Mourinho has still not won any trophies for the storied Milan club. In interviews following the announcement of the appointment, the self-proclaimed “Special One” announced his utter disapproval toward everyone who is not himself as well as reassuring the Nerazzurri fans that trophies should be flying into the San Siro display case “at any moment” because of his mere presence.

Mr. Mourinho was also quoted in broken Italian as saying, “I love Inter — I always have — so if I don’t win everything here at Inter, that doesn’t matter because I will go to another club and make millions of Euro there and win every [trophy].”

After a dismal four-year run under previous manager Roberto Mancini, Inter Milan only managed to win three Serie A titles, the Coppa Italia twice, and the Super Coppa Italia twice. Inter Milan see itself as a sinking ship and in recent weeks Chairman Massimo Moratti has had to be content with his clubs rich winning tradition and current stock of world-class talent. Obviously, Inter are wanting to turn things around as quickly as possible and the appointment of the often snide Mourinho to the helm of the San Siro club can be seen as a clear signal to the footballing world that settling for anything less than professional arrogance in victory is not an option.

Mr. Mourinho will bring his unique style of management to the San Siro when the new season kicks off next fall, but he is expecting to win trophies and championships even before that time because he is “so amazing.” He has had previous success on the European stage with FC Porto of Portugal, winning the coveted Champions League and back-to-back English Premier League titles in his last position with Chelsea.

When pressed to elaborate on how he plans to win trophies without a squad and during the summer, when Serie A league games are not actually being held, Mourinho shrugged and pursed his lips saying, ‘I win. I win championships. That’s what I — who I am. What I am doing. What am I doing now? Right now even I am winning everything. If the referee treats Inter players like other players on the pitch, we will win. If we don’t win, it is someone else’s fault.’

Mr. Mourinho is due to be formally unveiled at a press conference to be held at 11:30 a.m. local time on Tuesday at the San Siro, on the condition that he doesn’t kill the planet first.

Arsenal’s Cesc Fabregas is widely considered the best young midfielder in the world and one of the world’s top midfielders in general. This video should not only give Arsene Wenger nightmares, but serves to show how cool under pressure the young one is.

Honestly, would the Cleveland Cavaliers let LeBron James do this?

Christ Appears to Faithful Follower, Scores Match Winner
Match Report: Israel 2-1 U.A.E.

(Jerusalem) Israel apparently have prayer to thank for their recent victory over the United Arab Emirates.

A thumping header in the dying seconds by Jesus of Nazareth saved Israel from an international friendly draw as they prepare for Euro 2008, UEFA’s prestigious European competition being held this summer in Austria and Switzerland.

After descending from the right hand of God, the savior to billions of Christians world wide took up the captain’s armband for Israel and nodded home the decisive goal with authority from a curling Aviram Baruchian cross.

Yossi Ben-Cohen, Israeli midfielder and outspoken Christian said through a translator, “Before the game I thanked God for my life and family and I prayed that He would be with us through this match […] that He would help us win. Thanks to Jesus eternal love, I have peace in my heart and thanks to His strength in the air, we got our goal and a win.”

Following the final whistle Jesus elaborated on His strangely intimate relationship with Ben-Cohen and His miraculous intervention in the match saying, “My eternal love is with [Ben-Cohen] and before he was made in his mother’s womb, I knew him, but I figured his passing would be better by now.” Jesus continued, “It’s atrocious, man, I mean he gives the ball away SO easily, and he’s been training for about 18 years now. I mean, I’ve watched him. Surely God’s chosen people [Israel] can find a better holding midfielder?”

The multi-sided and complex debate over Jesus’ divinity continues to overshadow the U.A.E.’s offical appeal to FIFA for Israel fielding 12 players.

Neutral fans watching the game are dubbing the Bethlehem native’s 89th minute strike as the “Hand of Allah” wonder-goal.

Match Summary: Israel 2-1 U.A.E.

Saeed Al-Kas (pen 7′)
E. Barda (57′)
J. Christ (89′)

Substitutions:

Hilal Saeed for Ahmed Mubarek, 46′ (tactical) Omer Golan for Amit Ben Shushan, 62′ (tactical) Tal Ben Haim for Jesus Christ, 90′ (calf strain)